2020 became a bad word somewhere around March. Things haven’t really slowed down since. This is the point where I could make a lot of statements about how people have changed, using phrases like “so many people…” or “it has forced everyone to…” However, I am not going to do that. I can really only speak for myself. I remember this defining moment in March where I felt SO out of control. I looked at my husband and said, “Do you think things will go back to normal in a few weeks?”. I wanted him to say “Absolutely, babe. Do not worry, they will.” While I have a flare for the overdramatic, he has a flare for the cold, hard truth and he said a calm, but very firm, “no”. I didn’t even answer. Down deep, I knew he was right. The events since March have changed everything. They have changed me too.
I think it’s no secret that I have had a time of it since our move from Ca. Cue whatever illustration you choose…the hamster wheel, the merry go ’round of horror that you can never get off of, ground hog day. Whatever fits your definition of “being stuck”. But, hey! Guess what God showed me the other day in His loving way, when He smacks me upside the head super dramatically? (Which, side note, have you ever noticed that the God of the universe literally speaks to us in our own language? Mine is mostly dramatic moments.) So, the thing is, I’ve been saying for years I am stuck and it turns out I wasn’t. There’s this whole sermon where God showed me that. Epic news and a blog post for another day.
And then there’s this other thing He needed to address with me. I’ve got a lot of health issues. It’s been a hot minute now. Somewhere in the blur of 2020 in a real raw moment of desperation, I told my husband I was done. To which He replied “Why don’t you do what you need to do to fix this?”
Now before you go all savage on him for being harsh, it wasn’t that cut and dry of a conversation. I bring you the entire thing boiled down into two sentences. I love that I know that he won’t always say what I want to hear, but he’ll say what I need to hear. It’s one of my most favorite things about him.
After a downward spiral the last few years and several diagnosis later, I think we have discovered all of the issues now. Late 2020, brought me a plan. It’s just a real hard one and I am real tired. I could do this plan if you gave it to me when I was in good health. Doing it from where I am now looks different.
“You can have my YES with no exception. I’m laying down my right to second guess it…. One thing with pain, injury, surgery, and recovery is that you have to be ALL IN. Going half way won’t get change at best and at worst can hurt you bad.
The Father asks us to go ALL IN too.
He wants your “YES!” with no exception. But there are so many things that make you want to hold back.
Mine?? PAIN
The very thing you need to do to create MORE healing is to temporarily cause more pain and though that pain create more flexibility and strength so that you can create HEALING and PROGRESS.
We pull back to avoid pain, discomfort, conflict, or just feeling awkward but to try begin to heal and get STRONGER in that area of our lives we have to PRESS INTO the discomfort.“ -Dr Haggerton
After several weeks of mulling over my husband’s question,”Why don’t you do what you need to do to fix this?” I read these above statements on line and it put into words my answer. In order to get way better, I have to get temporarily way worse. It all hurts. It is all hard. It is uncomfortable. Not just my sweater itches and I need to change it uncomfortable, but real uncomfortable. Like I feel like I might die in 2 seconds of this uncomfortable. Who walks towards that?
The Father promises to show up and never leave…our job is to trust Him in the process and to PRESS IN.
You got this friend. Look at that big mountain of pain or discomfort, take a breath, smile and take that next step.” -Dr. Haggerton
Look at it. Be honest and call what is in front of you.
Breathe & smile. Prepare yourself, CHOOSE your attitude.
Take the next step. Do something. Forward motion.
Press in. The exact opposite of what you want to do. Do it anyway.
Man, that’ll preach all the day long.
We are creatures who want to protect ourselves. When things get hard or uncomfortable we usually do the exact opposite of what we “should” do. Run away, quit things, take a break, make excuses, find people who will support our excuses, shop, sleep, eat, binge watch tv, porn, drugs, alcohol, overachieve….the list is never ending. We are good at not pressing in. I am not good at pressing in. In fact, I am terrible at it. You know why? Because when you press in you find more crap. And my health journey is the thing God is using to change me from the inside out.
2020, I hear you loud and clear. I dub thee an epic one. You will always be remembered. The year that I learned I was never stuck. The year that reminded me what is at stake. The year that stoked this fire deep in my soul to a raging inferno. The year that there was breath in my lungs again.
I came to a fork in the road. The hard part wasn’t deciding what I want. The hard part was coming to the stark reality of knowing that what I want is on the road that I don’t want to go on. By very definition of the fork in the road, I can’t walk with a foot on each path. I have to choose one.
I have the mind of Christ directing my thoughts and the word of God guiding my steps (Groeschel)
Jesus, you are strong in my weakness.
Let’s roll.